these days, i enjoyed doing the chores so much. those repetitive tasks in my comfort zone give me the essential feeling of security. they ease my mood. whenever i take a look at a corner that i rarely have the chance to care about, or whenever i sweep a dirty floor, i feel like i’m still taking the control to everything around me. you know, those days when you’re disconnecting with the world due to mood swings and depressive eps, even your body looks strange in the mirror. i gotta move, see, smell, and name my feelings, to know where i should belong to. and those chores, help a lot.
i don’t know. for me, doing housework was never a torture, especially when i do it alone, without anyone’s watching. but whenever there’s someone around me then, i always feel angry and i hate doing housework a lot, because it reminds me of my childhood when my parent could not know a proper way to tell me to do those things. they kept on telling me i have to do it because i have to serve my future husband, because if i cannot do, no one’s gonna love me or accept me, or because other people will offend my parents like they aint able to raise a girl, etc. or those passive-agressive voice, “so you’re not gonna do it for your mother?” “you don’t care about anyone” “you’re such an ungrateful kid when you dont do that, you dont love your mom” etc
so yes, i’d love to do anything alone. and now, i try not to spend time for dinner with them even when i might want to. but i cannot, i have other things to resolve first. like, those scars in the pasts, those old voices, keep raising in my head at those moment and might ruin a normal day…
viết từ facebook. 26/5/2023