it’s been a long time since the last time I emerged in here to write down about my feelings and what happened on the day. the very last two posts just summarized a particular period of time in this chaotic school-year that I never expected I chose the right time to write down about it lol.
the first one was when I started this senior year, on ceremony day. how was I then, maybe just immersed in a mess of nothingness and a huge hollowness in my mind, every day, every night. I tried to concentrate on studying especially IELTS and Physics but still I gave up. In the second post I depicted exactly what I experienced in the first months when I began a new relationship. I screwed up every piece of my life (her word) and I did not think about anything at all, anymore, for a very long long time.
I do not like reading those drafts but when I wanted to look back about few months ago I was just shocked about my random thoughts expressed in such nicer words than I expected!!! haha. I think there would be time I will public them, but not now.
oh I forgot, the latest post was about the first time I had sex with her. it was epic also. but I think… the reasons why I decided to read them all again and went back to jot down some sentences are the same. I am tired with this relationship.
no. it’s not like I am getting bored with this companion. I just… somehow lost myself. and one day, I realized that hurt a lot. when I realized, I was naked, watching movies with her. I felt depressed suddenly, and the pain of losing myself was just like parts of me were being dragged to the outside, out of my flesh, out of my control. like, my soul, it had connections with my nerves, and I could feel it hurt me. I cried, but quietly. something that made me want to cry alone and also want to look at her, and burst into tears like a baby. but then, I just cried in silence. I did not know how to express about it without misunderstandings, so until now she does not know anything about that. she just thought that because of the moving scenes, maybe.
why I get bored? I lost myself and that’s all. however, living a life that you want and the difficulties from getting rid of old bad habits are huge fights in my brain everyday. today was just like the last straw I guess. I wanted to stay away from her for a while to think back on what I should do, what I should have done before. but still, I am sticking with this phone again… luckily I decided to write down it instead of telling anyone again. they could not solve it and I have to stand up for myself once and forever.
lol it is 23:57 now is that something God wants to give me? a full 6-hour sleep? should I?
viết từ tumblr. 22/4/2019.